Zit Plight
by Quicksilver Foxx
Summary: She’s sexy, powerful, and through a night of communal fiery passion and a bizarre mating accident, she’s directly related to Albus, Snape, Voldemort’s twin brother, some American billionaires, a toaster, and Sirius. Don’t ask, just read and review.
1. Default Chapter

_**Chapter 1**_

For the dimmer among you who have not realized from the clues given by the title and summary of this story that this is a Mary Sue PARODY, not some actual MS, let me say that I feel very, very sorry for you, you being stuck with your pitiful grasshopper brain and all. Its okay, we all thought like you when we were…um…about two.

Disclaimer: And the Lord said to Moses, let this disclaimer apply to any and all chapters Quicksilver Foxx writes. And Moses said to the Lord, "Fine. Wanna beer?"

If I owned Harry Potter, he would currently be handcuffed to my bed wearing a black silk thong and excessive amounts of body oil.

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Quicksilver is back again! This story came to be when I was researching the heinous subject of 's local population of Mary sues for material to send to Sassy Q so she could make her Mary Sue parody. Then, I thought to myself, Wow, this place is like, completely plighted by 1000 Mary sues! (direct quote, by the way.) So, then I realized that that would be a funny story and I decided to…

(Quicksilver rambles on about many things, including cheese, sex, England's prime minister, and limousines).

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Okay, I'll shut up now and go on with the story. Feh.

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Prologue

They were happily chatting in their private train compartment on the Hogwarts express, oblivious to the rainy grey world rushing past. Their peaceful banter was snapped when a large groan of distress tore through the conversation.

"What the hell, Harry! You burned off my eyebrows!"

Harry playfully smacked the grieving Ron's shoulder, and bit into an available cauldron cake. "That's what you get when you challenge the master of Exploding Snap!"

The compartment burst into giggles. "Pity, you were just growing them back from the last time you challenged him," Hermione said icily, annoyed by the constant chatting flowing around her as she tried to read 'Hogwarts, A History."

"Oh, come on, 'Mione, that's like the twentieth time you've read that book! How many times do you need to go over that eternal phrase…what was it?"

"YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISSAPARATE OUT OF HOGWARTS!" the group chanted in a false monotone, and burst into giggles again.

Hermione sighed and grumbled, but couldn't block out the teasing. Finally, she pulled out her wand, and muttered, "_ebullio caput!" _and a large, periwinkle bubble appeared over her head, thankfully blocking out all the unwanted chatter. She could read in peace.

"Wow, it's so cool to be going back again," Luna murmured dreamily, gazing out the window into the maelstrom of sleet outside. "I think I left my Crumpled Horn Snorkak tracker in my dorm over the summer…maybe that's why we didn't catch any…" She yawned widely and continued to read "Witch Weekly" upside down.

"Maybe you didn't catch any crumply horned pancakes because they don't EXIST!" Ginny snarled.

The phrase made a slight _whizzzzz-pink!_ noise as it swooshed over Luna's head and hit the window above her.

"…Right…" Neville shrugged. "Ginny, you wanna play some chess?"

However, their setting up of the chessboard, assisted by Crookshanks who batted at the pieces, was interrupted when the glass door dramatically smashed into an ice storm of thousands of little crystals that went spraying everywhere. A dark figure loomed in the broken frame. It toppled through, revealing the face of…Draco Malfoy.

The shocked silence was broken by Hermione waving her wand and restoring the door. "Um, Draco?" Harry piqued up. "What the bloody hell are you doing in our compartment?"

"I dunno." He shrugged. "Crabbe and Goyle were making out in ours, so I had to leave or have my tender eyes burned out of my head."

Neville winced, and rubbed the scar he had on his head from the first year fistfight under the bleachers. "We see your point."

Harry was of a less understanding and forgiving nature. "Go away."

"No."

"Go away."

"No."

"Go away."

"No."

"Fine."

Draco gingerly sat on an available seat, next to Ginny. "So, what's up, Weasel? Found any knuts in the sewer lately?"

"No, but I found your mother, giving a rat a blowjob, Ferret."

"My mother? It was your sister! AUGH!"

At that comment, Ginny's eyes turned yellow and catlike. Her ruddy hair, with a big swoosh, shot straight up into the air, like a bushy flame, and she gave a high pitched whistle like a teapot. She began madly clawing at the air in front of Draco's face with the distinct attitude of a rabid raccoon.

All the color evaporated out of Draco's face. "Um, hehehe? Sorry? It was a joke! A good ole' joke between friends! No harm done, right? Waugh! Help!" He began babbling like a five year old.

Ron was the only one in the compartment who looked calm, and even slightly amused. "Oh, don't fret so much, ferret. She's just having a psychic prediction. It runs through the Weasly bloodline."

Hermione smirked. "We've never seen you turn into a mop headed badger before. Not that you already aren't, but…"

He turned red. "It goes through the females. You should see mom when she has them. Once, we were peacefully eating macaroni and cheese…"

Neville shook his arm and hissed. "Shut up! She's saying something!"

Ginny opened her mouth and gasped. "_Evil…"_

Instantly, the mood in the compartment turned from light to wary. "Hn? She's never had one like this before…mostly it's about the weather…" Ron looked puzzled.

"_Beware, mortals, evil is here…something so horrible, the devil spat it back out…it is coming for you…it wants the Boy Who Lived…"_

Harry was just as puzzled. "But we killed Voldemort last year! What else is there that wants to rip out my guts?" Suddenly, his face turned ashen. "Oh no," he breathed.

"What!? Tell us!"

"It can't be…not her!" He groaned and put his face in his hands.

"Who? WHO!?" his friends screamed at him.

"Jane…my muggle girlfriend. I broke up with her last week. She said she was going to give me such a blowjob, she'd chew my thingie off. I just couldn't deal with the horror anymore."

Hermione bashed him over the head with her twenty pound book. "Get a grip, will you? You're safe from muggles for the rest of the year!"

"Who else could it be?" he asked with much trepidation.

"_It's close…it's coming closer…it wants you…it wants the boy who lived…"_

"Gah! It's a monster!"

"No, it's a Death eater!"

"It's McGonagall! I knew she would be mad about that homework I forgot to turn in!"

"We're all gonna die!"

"_It's CLOSER…"_

"It's the giant squid!"

"_It's CLOSER…"_

"Nooo! Not Jane!"

"_It's CLOSER!!!!!"_

"Help! Mommy! I don't wanna die a virgin!"

"You're a virgin?"

"_IT'S HERE!!!!!!!"_

There was a silence. Ginny's eyes diluted back to normal, and her hair settled around her shoulders. She was asleep, and her head lolled over and rested against Draco's. The compartment watched her, terse, fearful.

There was a knock on the glass door.

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A collective breath was drawn, and the experienced Dark Arts fighters all drew out their wands, except for Draco, who was whimpering in his seat, curled up in the fetal position.

Ever so excruciatingly slowly, the door slid open. A hand from the other side crawled into view. The hand paused, and Harry saw a glimpse of French manicured nails. Time stopped, and his heart seemed to beat in slow motion.

With a sudden movement, the figure yanked the door open.

Ron and Luna shrieked, and Neville wet his pants. He quickly dried them though.

The figure of terror was not tall and dark, nor covered in ugly warts and scales or having a pair of black bat wings coming out of its back. It was not neon green or a slimy alien brain with cockroach minions.

A smiling girl bounced into the room. "Hi guys! My name is Indigo Ice Crystal Moon, and I just transferred to Hogwarts from America! Because of my superpowers, I'm in the same grade as you guys! You can call me Mary Sue for short."

Blinking, the friends put their wands back in their robes. "She doesn't look so evil," Neville muttered under his breath to Ron. "You never know," Ron replied darkly.

Mary Sue was lithe and thin, with a fully filled out figure, larger-than-average breasts, and creamy, blemish-free skin. She was wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue sparkly top, as well as black stiletto heels.

Her cloak was black satin, and looked as silky as her long hair, that was the color of midnight and ravens. The tips of her hair were blonde. Her lips were full and the color of crushed raspberries.

But her most stunning feature was her eyes. They were large and shiny, and the color of amethyst. They were as violet as grapes. They were as beautiful as the full moon. They were…

Okay, I'll shut up now.

She stood there smiling at Harry for around a minute. Getting uncomfortable, Neville muttered that she should take a seat, and she did, at the conveniently empty one next to Harry.

"So you're Harry Potter!" she exclaimed, looking at his scar. "I've heard a lot about you! We have a lot in common! I actually happen to be best friends with your log lost twin sister! We helped defeat Voldemort's uncle over in America. Well, that's one of the times I helped save the world. I know this really cool girl named Buffy who has a thing with vampires…I helped her out of a little spot, once or twice…" she laughed self consciously. "Well, maybe not a _little_ spot, but you know what I mean, being a superhero and all…"

Draco looked a bit bewildered. "Um…Harry's not a superhero. Is he?" He looked puzzled.

Mary Sue turned to look at Draco for the first time. "You wouldn't know, _ferret boy,_" she spat venomously. "Don't be so jealous of Harry and go kiss somebody else's ass."

There was a long, shocked, silence.

"Well, I've got to head over to the Head Girl's compartment," she said cheerfully. "You know how McGonagall gets. See you soon, Harry!" With that, she bounced off.

"Wow, she really seems not to like me for some reason," Draco stated the obvious miserably. "Too bad she's the only attractive girl in this dump…"

Luna was looking out the window again, and Hermione passed off the comment with a small snort.

"She was kind of creepy for some reason…" Neville said timidly, shuddering. "She was just so…so…I can't describe it."

Ron tried to help. "Gorgeous?"

"No…"

"Well mannered?"

"No… She didn't have much of a personality…"

Ron shrugged. "Ah well. As long as they're hot, they're good. She really seemed to like you Harry," he said, elbowing his friend in the head.

Harry was looking out the window at the approaching castle. "Yeah…"

At that moment, Ginny woke up. "Hey guys! What? Did I miss something? What happened to my hair? It's all tangled! Um, Draco? What? What's going on?"

This was going to be an interesting year.

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By the way, _ebullio caput_ literally means 'bubble head' in latin. I think.

REVIEW!


	2. When MS Got sorted into the lion pit

Chapter 1

Where the Mary Sue Gets Sorted Into the Lion Pit

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Disclaimer: Be very, very glad that I don't own Harry Potter… (Quicksilver's mind slides into the gutter. Splash.)

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When the sevensome got to the entrance, Draco and Luna separated from the Gryffindors to go to their respective houses. The remainder went to Gryffindor Table, choosing a seat in the crowded middle.

"Hey Harry!" Seamus called out, "Did you go to that Wasps versus Harpies match? It was awesome!" Soon, everyone was chatting with their old friends like the summer had never happened. Ginny was getting the latest gossip from Lavender and Parvarti, Hermione was arguing with Dean over the merits of Muggle football (hot, beefy sweaty guys wrestling with each other. Every fangirl's dream.), and Neville was animatedly telling some nameless third years about his greenhouse. Even Nearly Headless Nick was talking to Colin and Dennis about how his death had affected his sex life, while the brothers stared at him wide eyed.

The chatter from all four houses was disrupted and brought to a close by the sight of Dumbledore walking up at the front. He cleared his throat and smiled, his horribly twinkly blue eyes dancing in their sockets. "Welcome back to another wonderful year of learning! I hope your minds have been significantly reduced to porridge over the summer, have they not? Good, good!

"I suspect that you all are tired of me talking already, and since I have a slight cold, I'll humor you all by letting the first years be sorted! Oh first years…come out my pretties…old papa Dumbledore is waiting…Muahaha- er, Minerva, where is that hat?" He cut his sinister laughter off short.

Out trotted a line of ugly, sweaty, tiny eleven year olds, all squealing like spiked pigs and looking very nervous.

(Inner foxx: This is ironic coming from the author who was eleven just last year or so, hmmm?)

(Quicksilver: Shut up! I'm almost 13!)

Presently, they were all safely sorted away into their respective houses, where the older seventh years would soon beat the living daylights out of them. Just as Dumbledore was about to sit down and eat, Professor Sprout elbowed him in the ribs, and he hastily walked back up.

"Oh, yes, I forgot to mention, we have an- er…exchange student this year. She has just arrived from…America. 'ahem' (His cough could have been hiding an ill concealed snigger.) Well, because of her natural talent, she is in whatever year Harry Potter is in, as she has requested. She is also the new Head Girl. I present to you now… Indigo Ice Crystal Moon! (a.k.a: Mary Sue!)"

The school let out a collective gasp of shock as Mary Sue walked to the hat, her cloak falling away to reveal her beautiful features and body. Only some Gryffindors, and one or two Ravenclaws or Slytherins were not impressed.

"Whoa, who IS that chick?" Seamus asked in a hushed voice. Simultaneously, Harry, Ron, Neville, Hermione, and Ginny looked away and whistled.

Spotting Harry, she gave him a little wave, and winked. He managed a shaky smile back.

_Please not Gryffindor…please not Gryffindor…PLEASE not Gryffindor…_ Harry had his fingers crossed behind his back. To be honest with himself, he didn't really know why he didn't like Mary Sue. She just seemed to rub him the wrong way. Her perfection was a bit scary.

Mary Sue walked up to the hat. Smiling, she put it over her head and sat down. This is what she heard:

_Hmmm…I see you have a fine, intelligent mind. You also have a lot of love, kindness, humor, wit, bravery, nobility, courage, perkiness, humor, and every other good thing in the book. You can be irksome because of the fact that you are superior to everyone, but you are loved by all…Truly the perfect person! You have to go into…_GRYFFINDOR!

The hall burst into loud cheering and applauding, loudest at the Gryffindor table. Beaming, she strode confidently to the Gryffindor table, and sat at the seat next to Harry that Seamus had used to sit in, but was conveniently empty now for the story's purpose. "Wow, Harry!" she gushed sincerely, "It's so lucky that I got here!"

"Erm…yeah. Okay."

The golden platters filled with food. Mary Sue scooped herself a small salad, and a few tiny slices of roast beef. "Ooh, this is so yummy! We didn't have salad like this in America!"

Ginny, after having heard all about Indigo Ice Crystal Moon from her fellow housemates, liked her even less in person. To the little Weasly, she truly seemed the epitome of evil. She felt a small twinge in her stomach as Mary Sue looked up imploringly into a very awkward and red Harry's eyes. Could that be jealousy?

(inner foxx: Augh! So blatant! No foreshadowing at all! (shakes head in sadness)

(Quicksilver foxx: Shut up!)

Luckily, Harry was saved, when a couple other Gryffindors started flirting with Mary Sue. He scooted closer to Ron, and whispered in his friend's ear, "Can she really be that evil? She seems like just a pretty, smart girl to me…"

Ron shrugged. "Well, Ginny's never been wrong about her weather predictions…maybe she got overexcited or something." Ron broke off the budding conversation by messily attacking a plate full of kidney pie, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

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Later, the sleepy students tromped upstairs to their collective rooms, to fall asleep in their comfy bunks. Mary Sue was puzzled. She did not want to use her multiple psychic abilities to find Gryffindor Tower, so instead, she found her new friend Hermione, to lead her to the dorms.

"Hi, Hermione!" she exclaimed brightly. "Do you know where we go?"

"Um…oh, hi! We go around this corridor here, than up these…oh, I'll just show you. Follow me!"

Eventually, they reached Gryffindor tower. Since she was the head girl, Mary Sue had her own personal room, with lavender carpeting, silky red bed coverings, and her own personal vanity closet and a Jacuzzi. Standing in front of the mirror, she took off her clothes, and examined herself.

She was as gorgeous as usual, her hair flowing around her body like the raven liquid night. Her legs were smooth, her arms were twiglike, and her body was soft and voluptuous. She knew a girl like her would have no trouble getting Harry Potter. Then, she would have him for her purposes…

She realized that she mustn't get over exited. She pulled out two swords. The one that was made of elfish steel was a gift from Legolas after she had helped him save the world, and was given as a parting present, when she realized that she needed to move on to other men. The other was the well used and much loved cutlass of none other that Captain Jack Sparrow, which he had bestowed upon her when she had saved him from mutinous soldiers, after a night of fiery passion. Taking both, she practiced her swordsmanship skills way into the night.

If she had her way, Harry would be hers soon enough.

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Harry, at the moment, was relaxing in his four poster bed, drowsy from all the good food. He swore sometimes that they put sleeping pills in the stuff.

Unexpectedly, Dean piped up. "So what do you guys think of that hot new chick?"

Seamus laughed. "Oh, you mean THE hot new chick? She's awesome. I wouldn't mind a tumble with her any day."

"She seems to really rate Harry," Neville offered. The other boys laughed.

"Yeah, so Harry, what do you think about her?"

"Ummm…" He was at a loss for words. "Well, she seems nice enough…and she's pretty, and obviously smart, as she's in our year, but…"

"But?"

"I don't know. It's just something about her. She rubs me the wrong way. It's like, oh I don't know."

"Well, I'll take her if you don't want her," Seamus said, amidst raucous laughter.

Presently, the horny teenage bastards drifted off, leaving Harry alone with his dizzy thoughts. Who was this girl? What made her so special? What dark mysteries was she inevitably holding? In his mind, he glimpsed a flash of flowing purple-black hair, and crystalline eyes. Blushing, he drifted off.

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In her bedroom, Ginny suddenly felt a cold shiver. Who was this stupid bitch? Why was she any different than her? What things could she find out about her to blackmail the little prep with? In her mind, she saw an oozing mass of mutilated flesh, with a few remaining strands of purple-black hair and the vitreous fluid from those crystalline eyes. Chuckling morbidly, she drifted off.

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There. What did you think? What should I do? I am totally out of ideas for the next chapter…-.-; Ah well.

Yayness! Six whole reviews! Keep it up!


	3. the first day

The First Day Back

Hermione had always been an early bird. Today, for the first day of class, she practically bounced out of bed, humming "Toxic" by Brittany Spears to herself, and pulled on some random dorky shit that she couldn't care less about. Today was the first day of school! Once again, she could prove her superior intelligence to the rest of the world, and not only would she not get gagged and tied in a closet, but she would even get points and GRADES! Oh glories of glories! She had been dreaming about this all summer.

Skipping down the stairs and carrying her DorkSack (equipped for all educational emergencies. Includes pencils, pens, quills, ink, parchment, a copy of "Hogwarts, A History," lots of gum, an abacus, random smart people stuff, and a pocket protector. Licensed registry to Dorks R' Us, 2005.), she plunked down into a squishy chair and began to study, reveling in the quiet serenity the early morning had to offer.

Not for long, however. "Good morning, Hermione!" a sweet voice sang out at her.

"What the… Who's there?"

"It's me! Mary Sue!"

Hermione was puzzled. "Um…why are you up at three thirty in the morning?"

"To study! Duh!" Mary Sue giggled. "I value my grades as much as you do!"

"Great…"

"Huh?"

"Erm…nothing. Wanna study together?" Hermione pulled out a couple of Transfiguration textbooks.

"Oh, THAT old stuff. You're still using it? I'm in a special advanced curriculum because I'm so smart! I could transfigure blowfish into lobsters a long time ago!"

"What?" The Queen of Brains was slightly miffed.

"Let's just study out of my books. I'm sure you'll be able to get it! You being the _smartest_ person at school and all… Catch!" Mary Sue tossed Hermione a heavy, faded tome, and kept an identical one for herself. "Now let's quiz each other!"

Soon, Hermione was practically sweating to keep up with the pretty girl's questions. So far, she had made TWO WHOLE MISTAKES (the horror) and now she was reduced to guessing the answers. Mary Sue, on the other hand, hadn't made a single mistake. Damn her.

"Hermione…what do you get when you recite the incantation 'blowfironus mortius grosssus,' but do the wand movement designed for 'jubstalpositun bigurybums'?"

"Um…."

"Let's move on to the next one. How do you turn a cowfish into a horsefish?"

"Er…"

At that moment, Hermione was saved from further agony because a sleepy Seamus Finnegan had wandered down into the common room, and was making a slight gargling noise while staring at Mary Sue.

"Eek! Hermione, look at the time! It's six thirty already! I have got to change out of my sexy blue silk pajamas into something less provocative and revealing before all the boys come down!"

Dashing with super athletic lightning speed, she ran into her room, and hastily pulled out a pair of black jeans, a dark blue sparkly tank top, cute shoes, her silk robes, and other random stuff that is added to show how beautiful she is and is meant to take up extra space. Then she applied dark purple lipstick and eyeshadow without managing to look like a totally fucked up Goth, but rather a nice, cute, totally-in-fashion Goth.

She then sat on her yoga rug and meditated to cleanse her soul and ease her spirit. But nobody really cares about that, do they?

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Harry and Ron had gotten up at the same time, and were heading off in anticipation of their first breakfast of the year in the great hall. Waving at a few random celebrity stalkers, Harry mentioned, "You know, Ron, I've been thinking about Mary Sue…"

"Hn?"

"Somehow, she seems suspicious."

"Hn."

" We should probably try to discretely find out random stuff about her. You know, who her secret identity is, how to defeat her, who's her boyfriend, what she looks like naked, her cup size…you know, things like that."

"Mm hm."

"We've got to be very careful not to attract her attention, though. She's probably dangerous."

"Yuh."

"You realize that this is a one-sided conversation, Ron?"

"Hn."

"Let's go tell this to the other guys."

"Hn."

"LOOK! A NAKED GIRL!"

"Hn…um, what! Where!"

Harry shook his head in despair. Some people have no hope.

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Breakfast was a jubilant affair. There were plenty of treacle tarts, bacon strips, eggs, and whatever else anyone could possibly eat. Except for rat penises.

Harry and Ron sat down next to Ginny, and Hermione, who was looking extremely pissed off for some reason. "It's probably PMS," whispered Ginny. She didn't say it quietly enough, so Hermione, with a lot of savage pleasure, dunked the punch bowl over the Ginster's head. Ginny sat up satisfied and shook the orange colored gloop out of her hair. "Yup, definitely that time of the month again."

At that moment, a hush fell over the dining hall. Mary Sue was walking over to the Gryffindor table. Again, she plonked down into the once-again-conveniently-empty seat right next to Harry. "Hey guys!" she exclaimed with a beatific smile. "Good morning! Ginny? Why do you have orange snot dripping off your clothes? It looks kind of gross." She wrinkled her petite nose delicately.

Ginny turned red. "It's not snot! It's punch!"

Tears welled up in Mary Sue's eyes. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Did I hurt your feelings? Are you okay? Here, let me perform a spell to dry you off, de-curl your horribly frizzy hair, and get rid of that huge, passé zit on your chin!"

The whole table was staring at the littlest Weasly now. "It'sfinedon'tworryaboutitgoaway…." Ginny tried to sink lower under the table.

"No, usually I charge for my very advanced magic which is way better than yours, but you can have this one free! 'Alakazamaljgnahluhbaljnghqpuih'!"

With that word, there was a flash of purple hippopotamuses. When the sparkly toilet dusters cleared, Ginny was dry, in fashionable clothes, had straighter hair, and didn't have a zit on her chin. "Oh my god! This shirt lets everyone see my boobs!" She turned magenta.

Mary Sue beamed, and scooped herself three Fruit Loops. "There! I have healed the world, one witch at a time! So Harry, how did you sleep?"

Breakfast passed uneventfully for another half hour or so, until the owls arrived with the daily mail. Draco had gotten some eyelash curlers and diet pills, Hermione had gotten the newspaper, Ron had gotten a large goldfish for some reason, and Harry had received nothing.

Mary Sue, who also received nothing, looked anxious. "Aw man!"

"What?" Seamus asked.

"Geez! I was supposed to have received a package by now…I hope my bird Midnight knows the way to Hogwarts…"

At that moment, a huge, black bird broke through the ranks of owls and winged over to Mary Sue. It had silver eyes, feet, and a silver beak, and it was about the size of a small eagle. Dropping a slim package in the bacon, it perched on its owner's shoulder.

"Midnight!" Mary Sue squealed. "I've missed you so much!" Noticing the bemused stares of the rest of the hall, she added, "He's my raven. Ravens are just so much sexier than owls, you know? He has special telepathic powers with me, you know, like a familiar."

"COOL!" All of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin (except for one or two people who stood back and whistled) gathered around to see the special bird. The long, skinny package it had been carrying was almost ignored, until Colin Creevy held it up, and obliquely asked the essential question in an awed voice, "What the fuck is it?"

That was answered soon enough. Mary Sue expertly unwrapped the slender package, revealing to gasps of shock from her audience…a broomstick.

"Somehow, I'm not surprised," Hermione muttered to Neville.

Dennis Creevy snatched at a piece of parchment that had floated down from the box and read it to the attentive hall.

"Dear Ms. Indigo Ice Crystal Moon aka Mary Sue, you are asked to be an honorary Gryffindor Quiddich team member and be a chaser because all the other spots are taken by important characters like the Weaslys or the Boy Who Lived. We have sent you this extremely rare and valuable LightningBolt Broomstick that is way better than any Firebolt and again, we beg you to please please please please play for Gryffindor on our team. Love, Professor McGonagall."

The broomstick was quite beautiful. It was a gray-blue in color, with silver twigs and golden designs running up the handle. It was everything you'd expect a cliché, powerful, magical utensil to be. Or a vibrator. But that has nothing to do with this topic.

Harry wasn't sure what to think. Yes, an new, talented member would be good for the team (falling behind slightly ever since the Weasly twins left) but on the other hand, well…having this supposedly great evil around him at all times was slightly unnerving, no matter how nice she was.

He didn't have long to ponder though, because soon Neville was telling him to move because breakfast was over and they'd be late for their next class. The Golden Trio headed over to the greenhouses for Herbology, followed with an exited Mary Sue, who was talking animatedly to Ron about their upcoming classes.

The greenhouses were just as Harry remembered them. Yes, the plants were a bit dried out, and yes, the Croaktia Vine he had planted had grown overly large and had started eating and digesting small rodents (Harry thought the fertilizer made it do that) but nothing had changed.

Even the watering cans. "Allright, ya skinking losers…er…seventh years," Professor Sprout called out. "Time to water everything. And I mean EVERYTHIG. Who set the faulty automatic watering charm? Stupid squib…"

There were groans as the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs whom they were working with staggered over to the pewter cans, which were heavy and two feet high. However, they were saved from harsh physical labor when Mary Sue called out, "Don't worry guys, I'll take care of it!" Suddenly, the greenhouse was silent except for a beautiful and mysterious voice that had randomly started humming from out of nowhere. Mary Sue's body glowed blue, and the blonde tips of her hair turned a green turquoise color. Her violet eyes also turned to an icy crystal blue. A stream of water shot out of her hands and watered all the plants, somehow missing all the people. "Hey! A plot hole!" Ron muttered.

"Wow!" Lavender Brown gushed, awestricken. "That was so amazing! How did you do it?"

"Oh, it was nothing," Mary Sue said, turning back to normal and blushing a pretty crimson. "I just have these super powers, you know, like I can control the elements, and that was my element for water…it's very taxing on my spirit and I need to rest every time I do it, though…"

Surrounded by a crowd of goggle-eyed students, she started talking statistics about her various element types, which included ice, fire, darkness, light, comet, passion, rock, wind, metal, mind, life, and time. Four Gryffindors caught each other's eyes, and mentally agreed to suddenly all need to go and get a drink of water at the same time.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

"We now know that she actually is extremely powerful. Maybe she has some type of creature in her bloodstream," Harry said gravely. He, Ron, Neville, and Hermione were sitting in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, discussing Ginny's odd prophecy.

Ron was very pale. "Holy cow. That was really weird."

"Well, we know for sure that she's an evil bitch, right? I mean, not that we didn't know that already," Hermione said smugly.

Harry nodded. "We definitely have to tell people about this. At lunch, you guys should tell Dean and Seamus and all those other people, and I'll inform Luna. Just tell a bunch of trustworthy people, and maybe we can stop the M.S.'s evil expansion throughout Hogwarts."

Neville, who had been sitting quietly, perked up. "What about Draco?"

"Hn?"

"What about Draco? He heard the prophecy too, you know."

Ron grew red. "Malfoy is a slimy Slytherin, Neville!"

"Yeah, well, he's a really good kisser."

There was a moment of shocked silence. Then Myrtle poked her head out of the toilet. "What?"

REVIEW PEOPLE!

A couple of replies…

Taintless: I thank you deeply for your long, well worded, detailed and informative reply. Your words touched my heart and soul and are continuing to inspire me.

Freakeddddd: People who write in a hybrid of netspeak and real language are a continuous source of annoyance to me.

Roae: Yo, thanks, girlfriend!

Darkfire180: Heh, hi Kim. Yes, I am more perverted than baka chan.

Dragons Maiden: Yes, sorry the updation took so long… thanks for reviewing!

Runaway Kid-RK: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! NORTON ANTI-MARY SUE ALERT! GENIUS! GREAT, THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK…

Sennica01: Thanks for reviewing! I guess I'm finally updating… -.-; Me so lazy.

Enjie Yekam: Thanks for reviewing! No, Mary Sue isn't short for anything. Here on fanfiction .net, a lame, 'original character' made by an uninspired, cliché writer is called a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are boring, pretty, and totally copied from another bad author.


	4. The chapter after chapter 3

Chapter Four or So: The Chapter after Chapter Three.

……………………………………………..

HBP! Sob!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllll… I guess the realness of this story actually happening in the canon is officially out of the question now…(not that it wasn't before) but that hasn't stopped other bad Mary Sue authoresses and it won't stop me!

Disclaimer: I love doing these! I can think up new things for each one!

Ummm…. I do not own anything at all. Not a thing in the world 'xcept for the guitar on my back and the sneakers trudging me down the big empty country road of life.

Sorry this chapter took so long! You guys better review!

………………………………………………..

Care of Magical Creatures was their next class, and the small gaggle of Gryffindor seventh years were joined by the Ravenclaws, most of which Harry didn't really know very well.

Hagrid had them looking over fire crabs today. Harry and Seamus were paired up over a particularly ornery one; it was hard to polish off the gemstones set in its back, as it was shooting small tongues of flame and sparks at the boys from its rear-end area.

Mary Sue was paired up with Hermione, who looked like her period had come three weeks too early. The cute little turtle they were cleaning was cooing and rubbing up against the new student, who almost had to push it away, to better clean and polish the turtle's shell spotless.

Periodically, Hagrid would trudge back into his hut and leave Grawp to watch over the students (or be watched over by). The third time this happened, he poked his head out the door and declared, "Don' mind me, I've got a sick unicorn up in here… Gotta heal its leg, got broken, poor thing… Jus' go on with yer cleanin'…"

Mary Sue looked up with a little gasp. "Oh no! A sick unicorn? Oh, the poor dear! Please, Mr. Hagrid, might I just be able to take a little look at it? I have some powers that might be able to help… Please sir?" Her eyes got all watery; she looked like she was going to cry.

"Sorry, but I jus' can't let yeh… unicorns're delicate n' rare things…"

Mary Sue gave a gentle little sniff.

You could see Hagrid's heart melt. One second, he was firm and unwilling, and the next, he was showing Mary Sue the way inside. Teary heroines have that effect on the large, blustery masculine type; it helps if they have a large variety of superpowers and psychic abilities to change minds to go along with it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

The class was staring bemusedly at Hagrid's hut. Nobody could see what was going on inside, but if everyone was quiet, they could hear a few snippets of conversation. They went like this:

"Oh, you poor little dear! What a horrible leg wound! Aww, I'll just fix it right up…"

(Loving bray)

"Heh, he seems t'ave taken a likin' to yeh, Moon."

"Oh, you really think so?"

"Yah, lookit the way he's fondlin' up against yeh…"

"Well, I'd better get to business!"

"Wait, wha?"

(Loving bray)

(big flash of blue light)

(Exited bray)

"What the fuck jus' happened here!"

(happy neigh)

"I just used my great and skilled multitude of supernatural abilities to heal the leg wound, get rid of his flea problem, and cure the little guy of his constipation problem! Yay!"

"Wha?"

"Ooh, stop that! You're a naughty little horsey!"

"He seems ta be getting' over exited…"

(horny neigh)

"Ooh, eek! No, don't do that, bad unicorn, bad!"

"Woah! Ah think that he's gone a lil' overboard… let's get yah outa here…"

"Eek! My heinously expensive and beautiful designer Armani skirt is ruined!"

(horny neigh)

…

Mary Sue stumbled out of Hagrid's hut to the stares of the other Ravenclaws and Gryffindors. She was covered in horse drool and her clothes were distinctly ruffled. This was quickly amended when she wandlessly preformed more magic to replace her entire outfit and redo her makeup and hair to something that Oprah Winfred would be proud to model. Hagrid strode out behind her, looking vaguely disturbed, but otherwise unaffected. It probably was due to his sturdy giant genes that he wasn't sexually aroused like any other person would be (exempting perhaps Filch, but who really cares about him anyways?).

"Well, tha' was unexpected," he said gruffly, and went to helping the class with their assignment. "Back ta work, everyone!"

"What happened in there?" a skinny Ravenclaw asked, sounding awed.

"Oh, nothing in particular," Mary Sue said breezily. "It happens a lot… many animals are strangely attracted to me for no apparent reason. Sometimes it can get a teensy bit annoying… but I don't really mind because I love everyone, and I love the environment and I used my mystical powers to stop global warming last week!" Hermione gave a barely audible snort, and gave a brief, but meaningful look to Ron and Harry. She picked up a sooty rag and began rubbing off the bottom of one of the firecrab's feet vigorously.

"Hermione, you're hurting him!" Mary Sue said, sounding shocked.

"How do you know?" Hermione snapped, perhaps sounding rougher than she intended.

"Well, he told me!"

"What, can you speak to animals or something?"

"Actually I can," Mary Sue said, giving Hermione a Mona Lisa smile. "It's another one of my secret powers. Well, I guess it's not that secret anymore, but oh well… it's all among friends, right?"

Hermione just gave her an incredulous look. She had gotten so many surprises out of Mary Sue that this fact didn't seem so odd at all compared to some of the other things. It seemed almost…expected.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"I really don't want to go to potions next," Harry groaned to Ron as they shouldered their bags and started walking to the castle with Hermione. "Especially not with the Slytherins and…_her._"

"Yes, well, you could have just failed your O.W.Ls and not have had to worry about it," the curly haired witch said tersely. "Or _do_ you want to be an Auror after all?"

The gang had passed all of their O.W.Ls (except for Divination and Astronomy, which were of no use to them anyways), and had most of their classes together. This was good for Ron and Harry, because Hermione could continue to be an invaluable resource for their homework.

Snape was not in a better mood than he usually was; considering that he had just murdered Dumbledore in book 6 and the authoress of the fic he was currently residing in and that you are reading was totally butchering his personality and character for the sake of the plot, he didn't have much to be happy about.

"Sit down!" he barked, when class started. Harry, looking around, noticed that many people had dropped out of the class. Draco was one of the few Slytherins; Harry wasn't sure if Draco was still being the bastard that he had been for the past few years. He had seemed less evil on the train ride, but old grudges run deep, and Harry wasn't about to forgive him yet.

"I'm disappointed to see that the O.W.Ls weren't enough to filter all of the filth out of this course," the irate Potions master snapped, his eyes flickering over Harry and Ron. "I am going to be much less lenient about your work ("Not that he isn't already," Ron muttered) and grade you extremely harshly! Making the potions in this class will be much harder work than many of you have ever even conceived the thought of doing, and I expect many of you to fail!" Once again, his eyes flickered over Harry. Mary Sue noticed this and gave Snape an indignant look. "Is he always this rude to Harry?" she whispered to Hermione, who was sitting two desks away from her. "You get used to it," Hermione muttered back, avidly concentrating on Snape's speech.

Their assignment was to brew a potion that would change the timbre of one's voice; it was much like the Polyjuice potion. It was one of the most complicated recipes Harry had ever seen. It even included some ingredients from Snape's own hordes, large black caterpillars that the Potions Master carefully and lovingly sliced up for the student's use, making sure that he only used up the absolute minimum the students needed.

Harry labored tediously; he often had to get up and walk to the chalkboard to better read the cramped instructions. After half an hour of meticulous dicing and stirring, his potion was a pistachio green color; not the dark olive of Hermione or Mary Sue's potions, but certainly not as bad as Ron's potion which was a kind of brick orange. All in all, he was proud of his fairly good result.

A dark shadow fell over his half sliced porcupine paws; Harry looked up and saw his least favorite teacher glaring down at him like a rabid coyote. "What is this absolute dung that you are doing, Potter?" Snape hissed (loudly, so the Slytherins could hear). "I told you to add seven ounces of blowfish eyes, not six!"

"But I…"

"No buts, Potter! This means deten…"

Snape never finished his sentence however, for Mary Sue stood up at that moment and said loudly, "Sir, please excuse me, but I think that you are being biased and unfair towards Harry."

There was a loud gasp of shock. Ron knocked his cauldron over with a dull thud; his potion spilled onto the floor, grew three legs, and ran behind a dark cabinet, never to be seen by human eyes again. Hermione, with incredible self-control, suppressed a small smirk, but even so her eyes glittered unnaturally bright. She could almost smell Mary Sue's blood on the floor.

Snape stared at Mary Sue for a long moment; the expression on his face was unreadable. Could he possibly be…amused?

"Excuse me?" he asked, his voice dangerously soft.

Mary Sue didn't back down. "I _said_, please stop picking on Harry! He hasn't done anything to offend you!"

The tension in the air could be cut with a knife; heck, it was so heavy that it could be scooped with a spoon. Snape and Mary Sue stared at each other. A clock ticked. Draco got up, went to the bathroom, and came back unnoticed.

"Fair enough," Snape said, shrugging. He then went back to his desk and continued to fail first year essays.

The class, so expectant of a huge, semi-bloody dramatic slashdown, was mildly stunned. "Wait…what?" a little voice from the back of the room piped.

"Nothing!" Snape yelled. "Go back to work!"

……………………………………………………………………………………………

"How did you manage to not get in trouble?" Ron asked Mary Sue, awestricken, as they packed up at the end of class. Many other sixth years, eager to hear the answer as well, inconspicuously paused and leaned in closer.

"Well, actually, the professor and I have a previous understanding," Mary Sue said cheerfully. "I'm actually Snape's long lost daughter!"

"Oh god," Harry said, slapping his forehead.

"Yes, it was quite surprising to find that my long lost father taught at the same school that I was transferring to!"

A skinny girl with mouse brown hair ran up to her. "I heard that you got let in because Dumbledore was your great uncle!"

Mary Sue paused. "Actually…"

"Obviously Dumbledore isn't related to her, she's Snape's daughter!" Malfoy said to the girl.

"Mind your own business! Don't pick on people, ferret!" Mary Sue said, flaring up.

"Wha? What did I do? Why…"

"Just shut up, Malfoy!"

With a bemused look, Malfoy turned around and went back to cleaning up his potion mess, not sure why this new character had such a huge grudge against him. He obviously hadn't researched any fanfiction lately and didn't realize that Mary Sues either hate the main nemesis or end up in a coupling with them, and this OC was in the former category.

"For your information," Mary Sue said, her temper cooling, "Dumbledore is my great-great uncle!"

"But how is that possible?" Hermione asked, contemptuous.

Mary Sue paused for a split second, her mouth slightly open. "Well… I'll tell you at lunch."

"Avoiding the plot hole," Ron muttered under his breath.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

"I really wish that I had more classes with you," Neville said sadly in the Great Hall. "So far, I only seem to have Herbology and Transfiguration with you guys…" Neville had, not unexpectedly, failed the Potions O.W.L., which was more of a relief to him than a hindrance. He, Harry, Luna, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Dean, Seamus, and Mary Sue (who had once again magically secured a seat next to Harry; on the Boy Who Lived's other side was Ginny) were all sitting together discussing the events of the day. Many of them were casting awkward looks at Mary Sue, who seemed not to notice, and just cheerfully babbled on about unicorns. Harry had given a whispered account of the new revealed powers to Ginny and Luna while Mary Sue was getting into the more intense parts of her speech, oblivious to everything but the several Gryffindor boys ogling at her with badly concealed erections.

"That's strange…" Luna said dreamily while poking at the large mound of curried rice on her plate. "I kind of suspected that, though…she's probably taking large amounts of Bugblatter juice…"

"There's no such thing," Ginny whispered to Harry, who nodded slightly.

"Will you guys tell Dean, Seamus and Malfoy?" Harry asked, giving a worried look at Dean, who ever since becoming the newest chaser, had grown reckless and wilder than before.

"Sure," Ginny said, secretly happy to tell the boys something horrid about Mary Sue. "But do we have to tell Malfoy?"

"He should at least know…get a fair chance for survival and all…"

"I thought that he was a slimy git," Ginny cut in.

"True. Oh well."

"…And that's what happened at dinner, isn't that right Harry?" Mary Sue said, cutting into the whispered conversation, making Harry and Ginny jerk up guiltily, spilling pumpkin juice onto the table.

"Sure. Yeah," Harry said lamely, fumbling for words. Quickly looking for something to save himself with, he asked, "Hey, uh, weren't you going to, uh, tell us about Snape being your dad or something?"

"WHAT?" about three hundred outraged Gryffindors asked simultaneously.

"Oh yeah!" Mary Sue said, beaming. "Well, you see it's really complicated. So, I'm related to Snape because he and a famous actress had sex, and she got pregnant because they didn't use a condom, and then she gave birth to me."

"What about Dumbledore?" Ron asked, chewing on a bit of boiled egg.

"Well, you see, he was having sex with Snape while Snape was getting the actress pregnant, so I'm part his child too, but he's too old, so he's just a type of uncle."

"Oh shit, bad images," Ron moaned. Neville squeaked and ran from the table.

"Is that even possible?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"Oh yes," Mary Sue replied, a look of solemn honesty on her face. "I'm also Sirius Black's daughter as well. He joined in too. I was so sad when he died." To prove her point, she burst into noisy tears.

Harry felt an uncomfortable weight sink in the pit of his stomach. He could think of Sirius now in public with only a small twinge of grief and guilt, but how could this strange girl be related to him? Why hadn't Sirius ever told him about this? He felt more than just sad…as if this stranger that he just met were desecrating Sirius's name. There was something really strange about Mary Sue, besides her special powers.

"Hey," a tiny Ravenclaw first year yelled over from his table. "I thought that you were the rich orphan of wealthy Americans!"

"I am!" Mary Sue said, wondering why it was hard for everyone to believe all this.

"How can you have 5 parents?"

"Err…" Mary Sue suddenly started eating curried rice and sausages with vigor. "Isn't the food here really good?"

"Avoiding the plot hole," Ron muttered.

"You already said that," Hermione muttered back.

"Oh," Ron muttered in reply.

"Why are we muttering?" Hermione muttered.

"I dunno. If you say it a lot, muttering is a funny word…mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter…" Ron muttered.

"I think this has gone on long enough," Hermione muttered, just as lunch ended.

………………………………………………………………………………………

To the relief of many weary students, and the jealousy of the underclassmen, the next period was a break for sixth and seventh years. Ron and Harry were going to go lie in the tempting grass by the lake in the late afternoon sunshine, but Hermione spied both of them before they could sneak off. "We're going to the library to STUDY for Charms. NOW," she growled, sounding so threatening that the boys lost any will to protest, and followed her meekly.

The library was dark, cool, and musty. Harry wandered down a couple rows of books to get away from Hermione, grabbed a large, interesting looking book on sex charms, and sat down in an armchair, looking around furtively. He normally wouldn't read something like that, but having nothing better to do with his time, his curiosity got the better of him. He covered the title with his hand, and read the first page.

A few minutes later, he prepared to close the book with a shocked look on his face. As he was about to get up, a high voice said suddenly, "Harry! What a coincidence!"

Spinning around guiltily, Harry saw Mary Sue standing to his side, holding a long piece of parchment and several ancient books. Lowering herself into a hard, wooden chair, she asked, "Mind if I sit here? The library can get so lonely sometimes!"

"Well, actually, I had to put this thing up, and then…" Harry said, awkwardly, covering part of the book with his cloak.

"Oh, okay! I'll wait here for you!" Mary Sue said, grinning at him with perfectly white teeth.

Harry slipped around a couple of rickety bookcases, and wandered around pretending like he was looking for a place to put his book. Wisely, he quietly stuck it in the Restricted Section, and picked out another tome on the medicinal power of frogs to replace it. He walked around, trying to look aimless, until he heard the voices of Ron and Hermione talking.

"Cripes, Ron, do you have to spell every single word wrong? It's spelled A...R...oh, just let me do that…"

"Woah, your hair is eating my face…"

"Well, brush it away then! I can't write and…hey! Don't touch there!"

"Sorry! You're wearing a wool sweater anyways."

Harry, not wanting to hear more, stepped into view and cleared his thought. Hermione and Ron looked up quickly, both turning slightly pink, for reasons which they weren't quite sure.

"Guys," Harry said, his voice low and urgent. "I've been cornered by…her. What am I supposed to do? If I don't go back, she'll get suspicious."

"You could invite her to come over here, so she won't be alone with you," Ron suggested.

Hermione shook her head. "There are only two chairs here, and Madame Pince will probably be upset if we levitate a couple more. I really don't want you to sit with her, but it looks like you don't have another choice. Besides, what can she do in Hogwarts?"

Harry gulped, and nodded. He slowly dragged his feet back to his chair. Mary Sue was reading one of her old books with a look of studious concentration on her face, and Harry was struck by how pretty she looked, with her black hair falling over her face. Maybe Ginny was wrong in her prediction. Maybe Mary Sue wasn't evil after all. If she would be on their side, she could be a powerful ally against dark magic…

Mary Sue sat straight, her robes, Harry reluctantly noticed, showing the graceful curves of her breasts. He felt hot, and realized how strange it was for him to think like this.

"You came back," she said simply, smiling.

"Yeah." He sat back down.

"You know Harry," she started awkwardly, "I wanted to talk more about Sirius."

Harry's stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch. "Oh?"

"You…you're really the only one that understands how I feel right now. Ever since he died…I've felt more like an orphan than ever before. He…he was like a friend to me. I really loved him," she said, her voice cracking but still sounding as musical as a harp. "I…I really miss him, Harry…" Big fat tears started leaking from her eyes.

Harry felt grief for Sirius well up again as he looked at Mary Sue. She looked so innocent sitting there and crying. Feeling awkward, he reached over and patted her on the shoulder.

"Oh Harry," she said, teardrops caught in her thick eyelashes, and for some reason, Harry felt a strong sense of déjà vu. This reminded him a lot of the time when Cho kissed him under the mistletoe…

Oh no. Mary Sue started leaning in, her red lips slightly parted. Harry sat there, feeling paralyzed. _Run,_ his brain thought urgently, but he couldn't lift a finger. He could feel her breath on his nose. He could see every detail on her skin. He could smell the light scent of peaches, girls, and cinnamon wafting out from her.

Suddenly, there was a large clunk, and Mary Sue toppled off her chair unconscious. Standing behind her was Ginny holding a heavy leather book, a savage, triumphant look on her face. "What the hell do you think you were doing?" she hissed, sounding remarkably like her mother.

"I…well, she started it!"

"Snogging the enemy! You are sure lucky that I got here when I did! D'you know what could have happened? Don't ever do that again! Ever!"

"I'm really sorry Gin," Harry said. "I really didn't want to, she just randomly started leaning over! What was I supposed to do?"

"Humph," she snorted, but she looked slightly mollified as Harry stood up from his chair. Together, they left the library, and went to sit outside in the last rays of the golden evening sunshine.

…..

Woot! Another chapter! I'll do review replies some other time…I don't feel like it right now. Any ideas for the next chapter? Please review!

Loooooove,

Foxx


	5. The next chapter

Chapter Five: The next chapter

I'm still so sad about HBP…I TRUSTED SNAPE! THAT ASSHOLE!

Yay! The fourth movie is now the eighth biggest movie of all time! And I saw it! And it sucked! But in the most beautiful way possible! Because it's Harry Potter related!

Disclaimer: Hey, I just felt like doing another one. It's like eating chocolate, y'know? Except for the fact that I don't have anything to say.

………………

"Piss off," Dean said laughing, as Harry, Neville, and Ron told him their theories about Mary Sue. The four boys, as well as Seamus, were lounging on their beds in the dorm, none of them tired enough to go to sleep.

"It's really true," Neville said, his round face seriously honest, and his eyes bulging slightly. "She's like…like a demon or something!"

Seamus made a low, semi-sexy growling noise in the back of his throat, and he and Dean nearly pissed themselves laughing. Harry and Ron looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

"Guys!" Neville said shrilly. "I'm serious! She was, like, talking to animals and stuff! She's been acting really creepy, and she's just…too nice. Like that girl from _Japanese Horrorthon 3._"

"I can deal with nice," Seamus said, "as long as she's hot."

"But she's smarter than Hermione!" Ron said. "Isn't that wrong?"

"I see your point," Dean said, sobering up. "That's just weird." He shuddered. "We all know how you dig smarts," Seamus said, snickering. Ron's ears turned magenta and he threw a pillow in Seamus's general direction. The Irish boy casually flicked out his wand and turned it into a banana, which he ate.

Dean picked up a large, moldy textbook from his dresser. "Well, I don't know about you, but I have to read this for Snape tomorrow," he said. "I'll think about what you said, Harry." Seamus stuck his tongue out his friend.

Minus Dean, the conversation turned to Quiddich. Harry and Ron, forgetting Mary Sue entirely, in the way men are prone to do when faced with sports, got into a heated argument about the Valkire Falcons and the Chudly Canons. Seamus, not really liking either, decided to go to the main dorm room in front of the fire and roast marshmallows. He left quite unnoticed.

He sat in a squishy armchair, and magicking himself a couple of the treats from midair, he proceeded to gleefully roast them on a fire poker. He had the almost-dark common room completely to himself, the only noise being the crackling of the fire. It was really cozy. Seamus snuggled down in his pajamas and proceeded to stuff his face with white goop.

A few minutes later, a slight cough caused him to turn around in his chair, almost dropping the hot poker. Staring him right in the face was Mary Sue.

………………..

"Wait a minute, where's Seamus?" Neville asked a couple minutes later. Dean and Ron, conversing together about their essays, looked up and shrugged. Harry continued to read an issue of Playboy that he had found in Professor Sprout's office.

………………

"He..he..hey!" Seamus stammered, gazing into Mary Sue's deep purple eyes. Funny, he thought, I swore her eyes were another color at the beginning of the story… Don't worry, another voice in his head said. It's just a plothole.

"Hi, Shawn…Sam…Seamus! How are you? Mind if I sit down?"

"D'you want a marshmallow?" he asked, waving the pointy metal rod at her.

"Ugh, calories," she said, wrinkling her nose. "I just wanted to…have a little quality time together."

Seamus sputtered on his mouthful of marshmallow.

"Being new to the school and all has been pretty difficult, you know? I just want to make some new…friends. And you seem really nice. You're friendly, you have an atrocious Irish accent, and you're kind of cute…this could get pretty far, if you catch my drift…"

"Hey," Seamus said, turning pink. "You're not as bad as Harry, Ron and Neville say! You're pretty cool for a weird freak person with supernatural powers!" Seamus guffawed. "Of course, I never believed those guys, anyways…"

Mary Sue's innocent violet eyes narrowed. "What were they saying?"

"Oh, just the usual B.S…they made it seem like you could, like, I dunno, suck out my soul or something!"

Mary Sue smiled cheerfully. "Now that's just silly." She cupped Seamus's chin in her hand in a quick, swift movement. Shocked, Seamus stared into her eyes. This is sudden, he thought.

But, a new voice appeared in his head. Not really, it said. You knew it was going to happen all along. Mary Sue is obviously attracted to you by your great Irish manliness.

Why would she be? Seamus thought. She's never even really talked to me before. This is strange.

Don't worry about it, the new voice replied. Don't think about anything at all…

Pulling him up, Mary Sue gazed into his eyes for another second, and then slowly kissed him. Seamus felt the heat of her body pressing against his and the wetness of her mouth, and his brain turned into fuzz. He saw a large flash of colors that he had never glimpsed, and then darkness covered everything, and he thought no more.

…………………….

The rest of the boys were lounging around on Harry's four-poster, peering interestedly at the magazine he had nicked from Professor Sprout. "Hm," Neville said to himself. "So that's how lesbians do it."

"Hey, where _is_ Seamus?" Ron asked. "When was the last time we saw him?"

Dean looked up, worried. "I hope he hasn't done something rash," he commented, glancing at Seamus's bed. There was someone on it.

"Gah!" Jumping up, the boys rushed over and ripped at the bed's curtains. Seamus was lying there, fast asleep. "That's weird. When did he get here?" Harry asked. Neville shrugged. He reached out a pudgy hand and shook the prone boy's shoulder. Seamus gave a loud snore, and rolled over. "He doesn't look any different to me," Dean muttered. "I wonder why we didn't see him." Harry yawned, and closed the magazine. "I bet he just had to use the loo." Taking a cue from Seamus, the boys finally crawled into their separate beds and fell asleep.

……………………….

"What's wrong with Seamus?" Pavarti asked at breakfast, as he drooled into the marmalade dish for the third time. Lavender leaned over and poked the back of his head. "Seamus…wake up…we have class soon…" Seamus ignored her, staring blankly at the platter of bacon. Nobody else seemed to notice.

"Hi guys," Hermione said yawning, as she rambled into the great hall. "I'm so tired this morning. I forgot to brush my hair!"

"We noticed," Ron grumbled. Hermione huffed, and tried to sit down next to Harry. However, she didn't seem to notice that that particular spot on the bench was taken up by Seamus. "Oy!" she cried, surprised. "Sorry, I guess I didn't see you there. That was rather stupid of me."

Seamus continued to stare at the butter dish. "Seamus?" Hermione said quizzically. "What's wrong? Did he sleep last night?"

"Yeah," Dean said, looking worried about his best friend. "I've got no idea what happened."

Mary Sue came in, and sat down opposite of Harry. "What's going on?" she asked. Everyone ignored her.

"Seamus," Hermione said sharply, slapping his cheek. Startled, he finally looked up. His eyes looked suspiciously blank. "O, sryz, i wuz just zoning ot, lol." Hermione blinked. "What?"

"Nvrmind. Its kool." Seamus picked up a sausage and started to eat it. Dean shot a dark look at Harry and Ron, but went back to his corn flakes. "Well, as long as you're feeling okay…" But Seamus had gone back to staring blankly at the marmalade.

……………………………

"That was really, really weird," Hermione said concernedly to Harry and Ron as they strode towards Transfiguration. "I could understand what he was saying, but it seemed to have… a…"

"Strange ring to it?" Harry filled in. "Yeah, I heard that too. Has he been cursed?"

"I dunno, man," said Ron. "I'm going to tell Professor McGonagall about that. That was really creepy."

"I've never seen anything like it," Hermione continued. "Nothing like this was ever mentioned in any of the books I have read. It was strange how he just seemed to melt into the background, and wasn't noticed…"

"Yeah, he seemed like an underdeveloped character from a badly written story who just sits around blankly, like a lead weight, hindering the motion of the plot," Harry mused. "I bet if what he said was written down on paper, it would be misspelled."

"You know," Hermione said, stopping suddenly in the middle of the hall, "It does actually remind me of something. When Dementors suck…" But she never got to finish her sentence, because Mary Sue popped around the corner, talking to a hassled-looking Ginny.

"Yeah, I thought that Professor Flitwick seemed a bit inexperienced with the stuff he was teaching today, maybe I'll go and show him my Hronoldolus Charm, I'm sure he would be very interested… oh, hi, Harry!"

Rolling her eyes at him, Ginny snuck away to class. "How are you? Hey guys!" Mary Sue squealed. "I'm so exited about our next class! I can't wait to learn more!"

Hermione made a low growling noise in the back of her throat, but Mary Sue didn't notice. Sensing a hurricane, Ron quickly said, "Wasn't that thing about Seamus weird? I wonder if he got enough sleep."

Mary Sue looked a bit shifty. "Oh really? I didn't notice. That's odd. Which one is Seamus again?"

"Whatever," Harry said, and walked into class, sitting as far away from the strange girl as he could.

………………………….

"Did you learn anything from McGonagall?" Harry asked Ron as they lay on the shore of the lake.

"She said that she would look into it, maybe send Seamus to the hospital wing," Ron replied, laying on his stomach and tickling a tentacle of the giant squid.

"I bet he was bitten by a Vernacious Gnat," Luna said seriously, looking up from her essay on Venus as she sat next to Neville. "They usually cause a loss of speech, dazedness, and disorientation…" Hermione and Ginny gave each other matching looks. "I, for one," said Ginny, "Think that it's the fault of that new girl. I don't think that it's coincidence that a strange girl with weird powers comes to our school, and all of a sudden, weird things start to happen."

"What do you think she did?" Ron asked. "Suck out his soul?"

Hermione sat up with a start. "That's what I was going to say," she replied slowly. "Seamus seems to be acting like a person who has been given a Dementor's Kiss… except he can still speak, and respond to the outside world…"

"Bullshit," Ron retorted. "I don't see any Dementors around here, do you?"

Hermione shot him a harassed look. "You're just being contrary because…" Sensing an argument, Harry asked quickly, "Where is Seamus, anyways?" Everyone looked around, and after a second, Luna pointed out vaguely, "Over there."

He was sitting under a beech tree, unmoving. "Oy, Seamus!" Ron hollered. "Come over here with us!" He didn't seem to notice however, and remained as still as a statue. Neville shrugged. "I wouldn't make too much of it," he said. "I bet that it's just guy PMS or something."

After giving Seamus one last look, Harry turned back to his homework. "I doubt that it's as simple as that…"

…………………………………..

"I can't believe that they're giving us so much work after just a few days," Ron groaned as he pulled out a raggedy quill to start his work with. "Stop whining," said Hermione, looking a bit more cheerful now that the heavy homework had started pouring in. "If we didn't get these essays, we'd never be prepared for NEWTs!"

"NEWTs are a long time away! How can you be worried about that now?" Harry cast a doleful look at the swirling grey sky outside their tower.

"It's never too early to get a head start," Hermione said happily, as she thumbed through their new Charms textbook. Ron stuck his tongue out at her behind her head. He looked at Harry and sighed, but both knew that their chances for escape were slim.

"Come on," Hermione said bossily. "You've hardly even started practicing your Transfiguration yet! Look, your dog can barely wag its tail!" And she was right. The soap dish Harry was supposed to be Transfiguring into a Dalmatian still smelled of lavender and was made of stiff plastic. "Muttmorpheous!" Harry said again, but nothing different happened. "Oh, this is so dull," Ron groaned. "Please kill me now."

"That could be arranged," said Ginny, coming up from behind them. "You boys should know that Quiddich practice will start soon, right? We'll have to hold tryouts… so far, we need a couple of people to fill in for Katie and Alicia."

"Oh, right," said Harry, not believing that he had forgotten about Quiddich. "I guess I'm still captain, right? Well, I'll make a notice about it."

"Oh no, we already have all the players, remember? I'll fill Alicia's spot, and Seamus can take Katie's." This last bit came from Mary Sue, who had quietly followed Ginny out of the corner. "I'm really exited! Can we have practice next week?"

"Oh…yeah. Sure." Harry replied uneasily, sharing an ominous look with Ron and Hermione. "I guess…I'll go write a notice about it, like I said I would…"

"No need," said Mary Sue gaily, snapping her fingers. Immediately, a pink notice appeared on the message board, with shimmering silver letters. "I'll go tell Seamus about it. Well, Harry, I can't wait for our practice session!"

"Me neither," Harry said glumly.

……………………………

The fog had cleared up some, and the sun had a watery shine, as if it had just stopped crying. Ginny, Dean, Harry, and Ron were walking down to the Quiddich pitch, shouldering their brooms. Ron was still rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Mary Sue and Seamus were already there, and so was the new third-year beater, the youngest member of the team. Mary Sue was talking to him animatedly, while he looked bewildered by his luck. Seamus was just standing quietly.

"Hey guys!" she cried cheerfully when she saw them, pulling out her new broom. "How about we practice laps around the ring quickly, while dodging bludgers?"

"Sounds good to me," the third year said agreeably, and Seamus nodded mutely. "Oh, well, okay," Dean said, shooting a glance at Harry, who looked upset. Here he was, the team captain on the first day of practice, and Mary Sue had taken over his role. Of course, he really didn't have a plan for their session, but it was the thought that counted. "Drop it Harry," Ron muttered, reading his friend's face. "I guess it's as good an idea as any… and we probably don't want to make the new girl mad. Who knows what she'll do."

Harry nodded, and said out loud, "Well, sure, if you want. Everybody, on your brooms, then."

They flew into the air like pros, the third year stumbling over a small rock during kickoff. Mary Sue was last to leave; a dramatic gust of wind blew her hair into her eyes as she gazed into the sun, and seemingly picked her off the ground.

At opposite ends of the field, Ginny and Harry rolled their eyes. "Showoff," they whispered.

Somebody had let out the bludgers, which the third year was hitting animatedly, and Seamus was following rhythmically. Everyone else was racing around the field, trying to get the highest amount of laps before an enchanted hourglass Mary Sue had conjured ran out of sand. Harry put a burst of speed into his flight, and bypassed Ron. He noticed in the nick of time that a large, enchanted iron ball was zooming towards his head, and was about to dodge it, when out of nowhere Seamus appeared and hit it away. "Hey, thanks," Harry called out to him, but the sandy-haired boy ignored him.

"He really got better over summer break, didn't he?" Ron commented, catching up to his friend.

"I guess practice makes perfect," Harry said, speeding up and pulling ahead.

"Oh, shit Harry, look behind..." Ron started, but Harry laughed, saying "Don't try to use tricks like those on me, Ron, I'm a…"

But Ron never learned what he was because at that moment, the bludger returned and struck him in the back of the head, knocking him off the broom.

………………………..

Okay, if somebody wants me to continue you had better give me ideas, because I have no clue what to write about! Tell me what happens! Help!

If you review, I'll make sure that I update in less than six months this time!


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